


Kimi Räikkönen's Drunk "Advice" Hotline

by paradox_of_retaliation



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Asthma, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunk Dialing, M/M, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-30 03:24:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15743235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradox_of_retaliation/pseuds/paradox_of_retaliation
Summary: Kimi has a tendency to bother his fellow drivers with drunken phone calls. How he gets their numbers is a mystery to all parties involved.





	Kimi Räikkönen's Drunk "Advice" Hotline

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by that quote by Eddie Irvine where he said Kimi sometimes calls him when he's drunk and the brand new knowledge that Kimi has asthma.

Max wakes up with a groan, shoving his head under his pillow in a fruitless attempt to block out the incessant ringing coming from his bedside table.

He _really_ needs to start putting his phone on silent for the nights. Or maybe even airplane mode. Or would that be too much?

Urgh.

In a moment of blind fury he springs up and flings his pillow at the opposite wall with a mighty battle cry, feeling somewhat unsatisfied when it only falls to the floor and doesn't actually make a hole in the wall like he'd hoped it would.

Max gives one last grunt to express his distaste towards this situation before giving up trying to ignore his traitor of a phone, and goes to answer.

As he brings the phone to his ear, he spares a glance at his clock.

03:14, it blinks at him.

His eye twitches. Whoever the fucking bastard is that decided to wake him up at 3 in the morning better be prepared to get chewed out by a very cranky Max.

"Max!"

 _Huh?_ Max blinks. "...Who is this?"

"Come ooon, don't tell me you don't recognise my voice!" the person on the other end whines, then promptly dissolves into a loud coughing fit. "You can _hear_ the broken vocal cord all the way to Holland."

This had to be a dream. A nightmare, at that.

"I thought it was only damaged, not broken?" Max blurts out.

The person laughs. "So you _do_ recognise my voice. Good, I'll bring you a gold star shick- schtikt-"

"Sticker?"

"Yes! Schtickter."

Max feels lightheaded. Maybe he should sit down? The laughter on the phone sounds more like a cackle now. Is he having auditory hallucinations? Is he losing his mind?

He decides to sit back down on his bed. Just in case.

The cackling continues.

Max starts slowly feeling more annoyed than shell-shocked. 

"Stop laughing!" he snaps.

The laughter stops for five seconds. Then Max starts hearing muffled snickers.

He sighs. He'd been warned about this. Sebastian had been very insistent about it, too. He'd just never thought it would _actually_ happen. Not to him of all people, at least. Sebastian was a no-brainer; of course he'd be the target of these calls, but Max really had thought - what with their history on track and after certain comments made to the media - that he'd be the last person to be chosen for this.

"Kimi, are you drunk?"

The line goes completely silent. Max waits.

Then, finally:  
"...How did y'know?" comes Kimi's hushed voice. Like it was some super confidental secret that Kimi couldn't risk getting out.

Max would bet that, wherever he was, Kimi was looking around himself in suspicion, trying to spot whoever it was that had leaked this information to Max.

Max wants to kick him.

At the same time though, his still sleep-heavy mind finds the mental image highly amusing.

"Because I'm not an idiot." Max replies slowly, "I know you're fucking drunk."

Kimi lets out a shocked gasp. "You can't swear!"

Max wants to kick him again.

"I can fucking swear if I want to! And I will! It's 3-in-the-fucking-morning!"

"Is it?!" There's a hurried scrambling noise from Kimi's end. "Oh, it is! You're right!"

"Of course I'm right! Why do you have my number?" Max demands. He sure as hell hadn't given it to him!

Kimi makes a loud "hmm" noise. "I don't, I just press buttons. Then you answered. Works every time."

"What do you mean you just 'press buttons'?!"

"It means what it means," Kimi huffs, sounding slightly irritated now.

"It doesn't mean anything! How did you call me?!"

"I told you! Buttons."

"Jenson Button gave you my number?!"

"No!"

"Then who?!"

"You're screaming, Max."

"I'm hanging up, that's what I'm doing!" Max retorts, "Goodb-"

Kimi interjects before he can finish. "I heard about your dad. I'm sorry."

Max pauses. What fresh hell was this now?

"...What?"

"Heard about your dad," Kimi repeats.

Heard about his dad? Where? And more importantly, what?

"What are you on about? Nothing's happened to my dad."

"I know," Kimi says, his voice betraying the fact that he thinks Max is being particularly slow.

"Then why would you say that?!"

"I just heard about him. And I'm sorry. Must be horrible."

Max feels both of his eyes twitch this time. That's new; usually it's just the one.

"Are you insulting my dad? Because if you are-"

"I could be your dad," Kimi replies happily.

"What?!"

"You need to have your hearing checked, Max. It's not good if you're already losing it at your age. How will you hear the team radio?"

"There's nothing wrong with my fucking hearing!"

"Don't swear."

"Kimi, I swear to God-"

"My kids don't believe in that. Better that way, I think. But you could believe if you're my son, I won't mind."

"Why are we talking about this?!"

"Because you told Seb I could be your dad. Don't you remember? I could be if you want! My fans say I'm a good dad on my instagram."

"That was a _joke_!"

"I would be a good dad to you, for sure. We could go buy ice cream if you have a good race."

"Old meme," Max mutters.

"What?"

"Nothing. And you're not my dad, I _have_ one!"

"Hardly."

"What was that?!"

"I said Hartley."

Max has never had a more bizarre conversation in his life. "What about Brendon?"

"He deserves better," Kimi says seriously.

"...Right."

"Don't you think so?"

"...I guess?"

"You deserve a better dad."

"Why are we back on that now?!"

"Because it's true. Sebastian agrees with me."

"When have you two been gossipping about my family?!"

The shit eating grin is practically audible in Kimi's voice. "Last night. After badminton."

"You do know that at this point people think that 'badminton' is just a code for you two fucking, right?" Max asks, sounding unimpressed.

Kimi yawns, "Really? Do you think so too, Max?"

"Fuck no! You act weird together but not weird enough to be sucking each other's dicks!"

Max feels an odd sense of pride at the sharp bark of laughter that Kimi lets out in answer.

"Never heard you laugh like that. You sound like a hyena."

"Do you talk like that to your other father, too?"

Max groans, "Drop it or I'm hanging up. Was there an actual reason you called?"

"Mmm, nope. I'm just bored."

"Why are you even awake? Aren't old people supposed to go to bed early?"

"Tell that to Seb," Kimi scoffs, "He's the one that kept me up."

Ah, it all makes sense now. "You went out drinking together? How cute," Max coos sarcastically.

"No, he bribed me with alcohol to watch that stupid Italian movie he won't shut up about," Kimi whines, "Life is cool, or something."

"Beautiful."

"It really wasn't. 2/5 stars at best."

"No, I mean it's Life is Beautiful. Not Life is Cool."

Kimi huffed. "Whatever. Still fell asleep 15 minutes in and then woke up to Seb grabbing my dick. I don't get why that's his favorite movie, it's so depressing. He already traumatised me with The Boy in the Striped Pajamas but it's like he's made it his purpose in life to try and make me cry whenever we watch anything."

Max gapes. "Wait, did you just say-"

Kimi ignores him in favour of continuing his rant, "Last week he got Finding Nemo. As if I _wanted_ to think about someone taking my kids and putting them in a fish tank at the dentist's. And the week before that it was Gladiator. A dead kid _and_ wife! What is his problem! Does he get some kind of sick joy from watching me call Minttu while sobbing to make sure Roman soldiers haven't come to kill them because I committed treason?"

Max is stunned. He lets Kimi ramble on about The Land Before Time and various Disney movies that feature dead parents for 5 more minutes until he finally tires and asks if Max has watched any traumatising animations lately.

Max ignores the question and poses one of his own instead: "Did you say Seb grabbed your dick?"

Kimi yawns again. "Who?"

"Sebastian Vettel!" Max snaps, getting impatient. "You just said he grabbed your dick!"

"When?"

"Like 5 minutes ago!"

"Oh, yeah."

Max makes encouraging motions with his hands even though Kimi won't see them. "And? Did he grab your dick?"

"Yeah," Kimi says, "I'm pretty sure he did."

"You're 'pretty sure'?! Isn't that something you'd remember?!"

Kimi makes a nonchalant noise. "He does it so often I can't remember every time it happens."

Max lets out a scandalised gasp. "So badminton _is_ code for fucking!"

"I never said it wasn't, did I?"

Max feels like his eyes are going to bulge out of his head at this rate. He certainly doesn't feel tired anymore.

"But you're both married!"

"Sebastian isn't," Kimi points out.

"You have kids!"

Kimi hums sadly, "None together yet."

"What the ever-loving fuck-"

"I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap if you swear again."

"Do your wives know?!"

"Of course they know. Hanna sends me a Christmas card every year. Lovely woman."

"They're _okay_ with it?!"

"Mhm. Minttu says Sebastian is good for me." Kimi almost sounds proud.

"Why?! You're cheating on her!"

"No, I'm not!" Kimi scoffs, "She came after Sebi!"

Max's jaw drops open. What does Kimi mean by 'after'? _Sebi?_ What is going on? How _long_ has it been going on?!

"Max? Did you hang up? Because that's not very nice-"

Max cuts him off, "Just how long have you and Vettel been bumping uglies?!"

There's a confused noise from Kimi's end. "Doing _what_?"

"You know what! Doing the horizontal tango! Since when?!"

"Sebi doesn't like dancing," Kimi offers.

Again with the Sebi.

"That's not what I asked!"

"I don't understand the question," Kimi tells him honestly.

"Playing Tetris with your dicks!" Max yells, getting impatient again, "Rolling in the hay!"

"Oooh, rolling in hay! I know what that is! You meant fucking?" Kimi sounds too happy with himself for Max's liking.

"Yes I fucking meant fucking! Why was that so hard to understand?!"

Kimi is cackling again. That annoying, raspy, sharp cackle that burrows its way through Max's ear all the way into his brain and annoys him to the point where he wants to crawl through his phone to smother Kimi with a pillow or two.

 _Twitch twitch._ His eye is twitching again. God, that really is such an annoying noise.

 _'What the fuck is happening?'_ comes a muffled voice from Kimi's end of the call. Max can barely hear it between the bouts of now hiccuping cackles still leaving Kimi.

"Kimi, shut the hell up! Who the fuck was that?" he yells, trying to get Kimi's attention long enough to get him to stop abusing his ear with his laugh and tell him who else was listening in on the call.

Max did _not_ want knowledge of this call having happened to spread. He'd never live it down; Dan would make his life a living hell if he found out about all of the 'dad talk'.

"Kimi! Who are you with?! Stop fucking laughing, you-"

"Hi, Max." Yawn. "How long has he been calling you?"

You've got to be kidding. Sebastian fucking Vettel.

"You've got to be kidding me," Max groans, "I should have known you'd be there."

Sebastian sighs, "Hold on, I have to help this idiot before he passes out."

Max hears Sebastian drop the phone on something soft that he now knows must be a bed. Kimi's laughter sounds nothing like laughter anymore, instead it has morphed into muted wheezing in the background.

Max raises an eyebrow.

 _'Where's your inhaler? Did you leave it somewhere again?'_ Sebastian's voice asks.

Max hears Kimi cough and say something that the phone doesn't quite catch. In answer Sebastian sighs dramatically, followed instantly by a snort when Kimi says something else and lets out a small, pathetic wheeze.

 _'If you couldn't sleep you should have just woken me up instead of harrassing Max in the middle of the night, you idiot. We've talked about this,'_ Sebastian's voice tuts, _'Are you still so drunk you don't even notice you're going to have an attack?'_

Max's ear picks up the sound of a deep, long inhale, then another small cough, and eventually a second inhale. Was that the inhaler then?

_'Better?'_

A hoarse giggle. _'Liked your hand so close to my mouth.'_

Max rolls his eyes so hard it hurts.

The amusement in Sebastian's voice is audible even through the phone. _'Didn't you have enough fun earlier?'_

_'Nooo, I want to play again!'_

'Kimi Räikkönen giggling' had already unconsciously been categorised as one of the many things on Max's list of "sounds I never, ever want to hear in my hopefully long life", but 'Kimi Räikkönen propositioning his team mate while giggling AND drunk' just stole the first place _and_ the cake with how much worse it had managed to sound.

"Max? Are you still there?" Sebastian's voice suddenly asks, thankfully snapping Max out of his inner turmoil.

"Can you actually shut him up? Now?" Max pleads, "Just, place your hand over his mouth, like so. From what I just heard he's already into that so shouldn't be too difficult."

Sebastian's anwering laugh does little to mollify Max's frayed nerves.

"He's downstairs getting water, don't worry," Sebastian chuckles, "And I won't let him have his phone back tonight. Promise."

"Why is he like this? How many of us has he already called?!"

"To be fair, I did warn you," Sebastian points out. "That's more than most of the others can say. He'd been making these calls for a whole month before I found out."

"...Did he really not have my number then?" Max asks, kind of fearing the answer.

"He doesn't have _anyone's_ number. Just mine."

"Then how the fuck is he calling everyone?!"

"He usually tells you when you ask."

"But... how could he just guess our numbers by pressing buttons? That's impossible!"

Sebastian hums in agreement, "Räikkönen's are generally impossible."

"Why are you fucking him then?!"

"Ah, he told you about that?"

"Yeah he 'told me about that'. Apparently you grabbed his dick after you got him drunk."

"Guilty," Sebastian replies sheepishly.

"Consent, Seb."

"He wrote 'yes' on his lower back with a permanent marker in the mirror before he started drinking. I can send you a picture if you don't believe me."

"God, please, no! Fuck, no!"

"I'm kidding, Max," Sebastian laughs.

"I don't trust either of you anymore!"

"The permanent marker part wasn't a joke, just so you know. I just wouldn't show the pictures to you."

"Well thank you so fucking much for clearing that up! I definitely couldn't have gone without knowing for sure!" Max yells, sarcasm so thick you could cut it with a knife. He feels an uncomfortable sense of déjà vu as Sebastian's burst of laughter rings in his ears. 

Damn Ferrari drivers. Why were they always laughing?

Yawn.

Max realises he is getting tired again, so tired in fact that he thinks he'll end up sleeping till late afternoon. After tonight, he decides he deserves it. Being this annoyed takes its toll.

"Seb," Max says between yawns, "I'm going back to bed. Try not to wake me up again, 'kay? I _will_ block this number!"

"I didn't wake you," Sebastian huffs in mock offense, "You should thank me for rescuing you."

"Yeah, fuck that," Max laughs, another yawn forcing its way out right after. "Just keep your badminton partner in check from now on."

~*~

'I learned how to play tetris with sebi ;);)'

Max stares blankly at the text with his eyes almost crossed from sleep. It's from a random number he doesn't recognise and he certainly doesn't know any Sebis-

For fuck's sake.

Max lets out a long-suffering groan and burrows back under his duvet in embarrassment. Why did he have to answer his phone? Why did he do it? He should have just hung up!

He brings his phone up to his face again and glares at the words on the screen. Those winking emojis look like they're there purely just to mock him.

Definitely airplane mode from now on. No exceptions. Not for anything _or_ anyone.

Fucking Ferrari drivers and their fucking tetris dicks.

**Author's Note:**

> You can request other drivers but I don't know how to write almost anyone so do it at your own risk! ✌


End file.
